Open Letter To Junior Thomasites

Dear Junior Thomasites,

You enter high school as a quiet loner with hyperactive imagination.  You’re all confused. And if you weren’t already confused enough, puberty is bound to screw things up a little. Each year you’re going to be told that the work load of the coming year will be larger. And it will be.

You’ll be expected to start taking your studies more seriously, pushed to get straight ‘A’s, participate in sports events and even run for the school elections by your parents. At the same time you’ll be required to find time for your friends and expected to catch up on the latest Hollywood gossip.

High school can be awkward for everyone. Even if you’re one of the most popular people around or a social cripple. Especially if you’re a Thomasite, life can be relentless, frantic and exhausting.

There will be days when it’ll seem like every girl you run into is a cut throat bitch, even the ones who used to be your friends. And most of the times, it turns out to be quite true which will make you curse your “all-girls school”. There’s always so much pressure. There will be times when you try desperately to fit in among the “cool kids”, but fail miserably. You’d want to be accepted just the way you are, and it might not always work in the cruel world of high school. There will be days when you feel like you’re stuck in a strange place filled with catty teenage girls, and that you’re constantly unappreciated and underrated. These are the years when your self esteem can shoot up or come crashing down within the same time. And considering these are your formative years, a bad high school experience might leave a few of you with pretty bad memories.

You’ll be taught enough equations in high school that will make you want to shoot yourself, but as a fellow survivor of the hell called adolescence, I’m here to teach you a few equations which you wouldn’t be taught in any Math lesson, but are equally important if you want to make your high school experience a little less painful.

           1. Koyal Rana : St. Thomas’  ≠ Shahrukh Khan : St. Columba's

We Thomasites tend to be jingoistic about our alma mater, which is not bad, but when we become boastful and borderline arrogant, it gets on people’s nerves. We don’t often realize that we end up bragging about various things associated with our school. We love Koyal Rana, and there are no two ways about the fact that she is probably the prettiest girl to ever study in St. Thomas’. But we hate it when you simply can’t stop bragging about how this Teen Diva is an alumnus of our school. Just the fact that a mini celebrity, Koyal Rana studied in your school, is not something to boast about. I’d like to make it clear here, that I do not any personal grudges against her. But YOU –you annoying little girl who just wouldn’t stop talking about how Ms. Rana starred in the latest commercial for a blackhead removing scrub or how you spot her on every Coca-Cola banner in town make me want to kill myself. It’s time you start creating your own name and place in this world instead of deriving pleasure and pride out of constantly boasting about her. Our school produces wonderful alumni who go on to be pretty successful in their fields. PLEASE seek to be one of them.

           2. Bata > Adidas

While we’re at the topic of stopping ourselves from turning into a bunch of braggadocios, kindly refrain from bragging about your black Adidas sports shoes. The white tennis shoes were way better. They were light and comfortable. Walking around in these black shoes is like dragging a giant coffin tied to your feet.

            3. Christian School  ≠ Convent School

It’s sad that many Indians still believe a Christian school has to be a convent. Sorry to burst your bubble, but no, it doesn’t. We are not ruled by the British anymore. So Junior Thomasites, please stop mistaking our school for a convent.  We are not coerced into harsh punishments after the slightest infringement of school rules. It’s a friggin’ Christian school and is NOT run by missionaries and nuns.  So it’s a humble request to stop comparing yourselves with other CJMites.

             4. Expectations > Reality

Our feet can be too big for our boots. We expect too much than our school can provide. And we’re not far from expecting a fancy limousine instead of our school buses waiting to pick us up at our bus stop and expecting a red carpet entry. We need to get real here. I know you’re ready to spend tons of money for the school trip you’re planning to go to during the vacations, but please stop expecting our school to make you stay in a swanky hotel when you go to Mussourie. It ain’t happening. Our school owns a lodge that has recently been renovated, so I’m guessing that should stop you from cribbing for a little while.

           5. Canteen food ≠ Sanjeev Kapoor’s  Kitchen

I know when you first walked into the Senior School canteen you expected a skinny, semi-bald cordon bleu chef with a scary mustache like the one we had in the Junior Section who makes food so good, your mouth will have an orgasm each time you take a bite. But you’re in high school, girl. Nobody wants to see you hogging on the canteen food anymore. So by providing food which is no haven for compulsive foodies, they’re just helping you to lose a bit of that waistline. Ergo, just make your peace with it and stop bickering.

            6. Girls School Fun > Coed School Fun

It’s our sincere and humble request to please stop wishing this was a co-ed school where you could get to be with boys as well. Let’s face it –boys are, were and will forever remain stupid. Besides, let’s be honest here –a group of girls can have way more fun together than with a bunch of boys! No, I’m neither in denial nor am I a misandrist hiding behind the garb of feminism. The truth is, you might care about missing out on studying along with boys. But the cool part of studying in an all girls school is that nobody here cares about asking dumb questions in class, or looking pretty, or doing something embarrassing. I’m not saying that guys are judgmental; but I know how girls tend to care about what they think. And that can be distracting.

Memorize these equations and you're sure to survive high school and make your experience worthwhile!

Image source: www.garnetchaney.com

Life Is A Sitcom

I bet everyone would have wondered at some point how life would be like if it were a sitcom. Would you also be perpetually attractive or have a kick-ass theme music or be accompanied by the ever exasperating background laughter when you miraculously come up with a well timed and witty comeback? Would you be battling farce situations while living in a cozy purple apartment in New York City with the comfort of all your closest friends or would you be caught up in amusing circumstances along with looking for the love of your life and telling the same story twenty five years down the line to your children? Probably the best part about it would be the satisfaction of knowing that irrespective of whatever predicament you’re stuck in, after thirty minutes, life would return to its usual normalcy.

There are days when I feel like I’m a part of a sitcom with these inexplicably stupid situations I keep falling into. And even though Ted Mosby never walks through the door like I could’ve sworn I scripted, I can always find the real life equivalents of Joey Tribbiani, Phoebe Buffay, Monica Geller, Barney Stinson, Leonard Hofstadter and Penny-The-Blonde-From-The-Big-Bang-Theory-Who-Doesn’t-Have-A-Last-Name in my group of friends who’re completely weird, yet lovable in their own way.

I’d kill to have a Ted Mosby in my life (Who wouldn’t? I kill them.) So if you’re a guy who can’t stop calling him pretentious and annoying and make web pages like tedmosbyisjerk.com, then you’re not worthy of reading my blog –GO AWAY. And if you’re a girl who calls him snobbish and whiny, look deep into your soul, woman –you know you have a secret crush on him. He’s sweet, romantic and his occasional douchey moments only serve to make him more relatable. Plus, anyone who’s that much of a stickler to use the word “literally” correctly is okay in my book. And since I know writing about how adorable I think he is would require another post entirely, I’ll stop with this I-love-Ted-Mosby talk for now.

I’m sure if you think about it, you can relate every friend of yours to a fictional character from your favorite sitcom. Like, Jasmine is a cross between Barney Stinson and Penny-The-Blonde, and I am probably a cross between Phoebe Buffay and Joey Tribbiani. Here are the 6 lovable fictional characters everybody can categorize their friends into-

1. The Joey Tribbiani

“JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!”

This particular friend is cute as hell, good-looking, food-loving, and has a real talent when it comes to flattering the opposite sex. He’ll make you regret your decision to go watch a movie with him by trying to hit on every hot girl he spots on your way to the movie theater. He’ll insist on buying an extra box of nachos and would shout at you like a chimp on steroids if you dare touch his packet of wafers. He is though, a little thick headed and pretty slow at grasping simple concepts which might make you want to bang your head against the wall and never to sit with him in your Science class. He lacks guile and cannot lie, even if he wants to. Sure, his annoying habits would occasionally make you want to stab him in the mouth, but his humor and an adorable smile would win your heart every time you talk to him.

2. The Monica Geller

"You’re on my team and my team always wins!”

This friend lives to lead and is dominating to the point of driving everyone crazy. From deciding where to hang out this weekend to planning out a birthday party for your friend, she has it all arranged even before you can dare to make a suggestion. And if you even try to question her ways, you might never hear the end of it when she starts lecturing you on why her methods are “best and the most suited”. She’s organized to the point of suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, while many of you won’t understand why that pile of books on the study table needs to be arranged in a “certain pattern”, she might rip your skin off if you don’t. She’s fiercely competitive, turns even whimsical word games into a matter of life and death and never forgets to keep scores. But she also is generously helpful and would offer to clean up your room for you. You know deep down, you can’t do without a friend like this.

3. Penny-The-Blonde

“Newton was a really smart cookie? Is that why they call them Fig Newtons?”

There’s one in every group. The hot but not-so-smart chick. This pretty little lady is the center of attention. Always. She trots around the school with her gorgeous face and skinny legs and is friends with all the popular people, and only when you actually get to know her, you realize exactly how dim she is. She doesn’t seem to care about getting good grades because all she wants to do in life is to be *insert actress/model/anything that doesn’t involve academics*. She possesses well-honed social skills and hits off easily with people. She is messy and unorganized and you’ll find her room to be quite like a pig sty. She is used to getting her way and her abundant good looks make her wooed by many guys who are easily smitten by her and would even offer to carry her books around in school. However what she really wants, like every girl, is a normal life and a decent guy to spend it with.

4. The Barney Stinson

"In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story."

This friend is the AWESOME one. The ultimate bro. Just like we dread to think how jaded life would’ve been had Barney Stinson not entered the Sitcomville, we shudder to think how our life would have been if this friend was not in our lives, because he’s the one whom everyone in the group wants to emulate. He has a bunch of really cool one-liners and is the life of every party. He is popular even outside your group of friends and has the ability to alter every dreary situation into something fun. He might come off as narcissistic and shallow, is surely a feminist’s nightmare and would jump from one girl to another in the blink of an eye, (and his commitment issues might make you wonder if he’s secretly gay or a raging heterosexual), but you know your circle of friends would be incomplete without this charmer.

5. The Phoebe Buffay

“I just realized something. Joker is a Poker with a ‘J’… coincidence?”

This one is definitely not your regular, everyday, normal girl friend. She thinks and does everything differently. She does not follow the crowd but rather stands out –be it the way she dresses, speaks or even thinks. She is the one with a strange taste in music, movies and guys. She might be the “freak” or the “weird one” in your group, but she has formed her own set of principles that she follows and doesn’t seem to care what others may think. There could be many reasons that make her so unique, but she retains a child-like innocence deep down. She talks of bizarre things like reincarnation so convincingly that would make you actually believe in it. Her chosen profession would be pretty unconventional, just like her. This is the friend who thinks she can sing/act/dance amazingly well, but in reality she is quite a crappy performer, something which you refrain to tell her.

6. The Leonard Hofstadter

“Twelve years after high school and I’m still at the nerd table.”

Every group has to have a nerdy friend who wears geeky glasses and Physics themed t-shirts. He is a wimpy Mr. Goody Two Shoes and is socially impaired. When it comes to picking up girls or asking them out, he is as ineffective as a white crayon, which is why you never consider him as your wing-man. He is the friend who’ll give you hours of lectures trying to explain you a Math problem, the one that aces all the exams and prefers finishing his homework assignments while all his friends are out partying. You wonder whether his stunted growth and prematurely balding head is the result of his geekiness. He doesn’t mind if he repeats the same jacket everywhere he goes and is surely not the most attractive guy around. His idea of entertainment is watching Sci-fi movies and his obsession with comic books make you pity him all the more.

Image source:

www.tvfanatic.com
www2.bc.edu/hannah-cerrone